In The Woods

So it’s already the 6th day of 2016, how’s thing going so far for me? Well, to be honest I’m not happy. I’ve been thinking a lot, like really a lot lately and I’m not happy at all because I have this unfinished business in 2015 and this遗憾 feeling is eating me up everyday. On the 1st day on New Year, I was still asking myself whether to bring this unfinished business to 2016 or just forget it totally, leave it behind, start fresh and new in 2016. However, up until today the 6th day, I still haven’t not decided yet as part of me want to let go and start fresh, but the other part of me want to settle it. Yes, I’m stubborn like that sometimes but in a wrong aspect of life.

This unfinished business has been bothering me for days, and of course I did talk to my friends but I can’t be telling them the same problem everyday. It will not be fair for them to listen to my rubbish and receiving my negativity everyday. So here I am, writing it down hoping this will help to clear my thoughts. I actually do not want to write about it, as I don’t want my 1st post in 2016 to be emo and sad. I prefer a happy post of course. But oh well… lol.

Whenever I start to “connect” myself to anyone, I somehow will always expect the worst – gone. So when I started seeing this person, I told myself that do not expect and do not anticipate, just be casual it’s just a fling, if it happens then happens. Yes, that’s what I told myself exactly to protect myself from being hurt by the “gone” part. Because of this, I somehow unintentionally build a glass wall between us. Haihhh. I’m actually the kinda person who will reply your text right away, but with this person, I take about 15- 20 mins (well, also because he does the same) as I don’t want to look needy but deep down inside I wanted to reply straight away. Lol. I also hid my last seen and disabled the blue tick (he has the same setting too) and refrain myself to keep checking on my phone so often because I told myself not to expect nor anticipate, as I’m very clear that both expectation and anticipation will kill me, I will get anxious if I know that he didn’t reply my text after reading it.

So after a few outings, I think I sort of like him. He did dropped hints before but I didn’t know how to reciprocate. Yes, I’m suck like that. And slowly, things turned a bit cold, and I felt it. So I got panicked, I tried to let down my guard a little, I replied his texts not as slow as before to heat things up again. However, I still didn’t feel the heat, I guess I was late to realise that I made the same mistake again. During this period, I was really moody and stressed, so I was cold to him too. As I was about to give up, he asked me out but it was at the wrong time as I wasn’t available during that period. Then he got cold again. So I decided to ask him out instead but he wasn’t available. So things got even colder. There are 3 possible thoughts been running through my head: he could be seeing someone else, or he is having the same thought as I am that he is not sure what I think about him, or maybe he is just not so into me. These thoughts are so powerful that bother me everyday, it’s really frustrating. Part of me want to let go to stop texting him, if he is interested he will find me. But the other part of me is afraid that if I do this, will he think that I do not like him and so decided to stop texting/ seeing me? These thoughts are killing meee, why is this so complicated? I really don’t know what to do. Should I take the risk to ignore him, but deep down hoping that he would text, and move on if he doesn’t? All I need is just an answer from him but I do not have the courage to ask, yes I'm chicken like that.

“Tell me what you feel for me is real or if it's just a game? If it’s real we’ll figure it out, but if it’s not then please let me go.” Blair- Gossip Girl